My advice? Don’t. There’s no other side to the coin, suicide is never the answer. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve ever been through anything you lived that led you into thinking that your existence was worthless. However I do understand how tempting it is to forget about our own existence when anything that stems from it screams misery. But was it ever going to be easy for anyone, anon?
You know, we were all born alone. All of us. There is an ingrained element of loneliness in the depths of our beings that we’ll never be able to get rid of completely. If you think about it, you came here alone, your experiences and circumstances are your own, the way they shape your thoughts and beliefs is known to you only, and one day, you’ll leave alone. In front of God too you’ll be alone. There could be a billion individuals going through similar experiences and yet it wouldn’t make them relatable to you because deep inside you are aware of your uniqueness as a human being.
Loneliness is an aching void in your heart that nothing but the remembrance and love of God can fill. You said that praying hasn’t helped, but know that there are countless different ways of praying that you only can determine. If you struggle to remember God when you’re on your prayer mat, then think of what makes you reflect the most. Sometimes we reach our deepest state of remembrance when heartache strikes and tears are flowing because of the brutal realisation that comes with powerlessness.
More importantly, remember that religion isn’t here to burden you about sins and Hell. Nowhere is it written in the Qur’an that your mistakes define you as a human being or a believer. In fact there is even a hadith that says that « If you did not commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and seek forgiveness from Him. » (Muslim) So what actually defines you is how you handle those weaknesses, and how you react to them.
It’s quite remarkable to me how your ingrained sense of goodness and sincerity (masha Allah) is what led you into believing that the absence of goodness and submission to God in an individual is what makes his existence devoid of purpose. So, again, what defines you is how you decide to use that very sense of goodness that lies in your heart to strive in God’s way. What you’re feeling isn’t unnatural— it isn’t harām either; but to put your trust in God means to reform those feelings. Your inner sense of justice and sincerity should be the fuel to your religiosity and well-being; you shouldn’t use those strengths to feel miserable about yourself and your capacities.
It’s not an easy task; in fact no one has it easy. But you can do great things, and I believe in you, and I’m sure everyone who read your message also believe in you. You actually gave yourself a chance by sharing your story and doubts; if that doesn’t show that you still have confidence in what you can do, then I don’t know what it is! :-)
My advice is that you should seek professional help as soon as possible. Your story needs to be heard and you deserve to be taken care of. If you want to chat off-anon, I’ll gladly listen. If there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate ask. And don’t forget: God tests those He loves the most.